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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Wendy King's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
2:21 pm
Been A Long While
I am not goint to post a novel yet. Just wanted to let anyone out there know I am alive and kicking and will be doing my very best to keep this journal rolling again. I need to take care of myself. I haven't done that in sometime.

Wendy

Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
3:59 am
Quiet
For the most part I don't seem to use this journal much. I thought it could be more of a serious place for me to vent instead of having my happy moments and sad moments all in the same journal. Lately it seems like I would rather post everything in the same spot. So I may do away with this journal or change it too something else all together. I am not ashamed of my life and the hell I have been through. I know in my heart and head that none of it was my fault. I am too trusting that's one of my major faults. Well, I mostly wanted to post something here.

I have been saving all my posts on disc so that is what I have done since my last post in the other journal...LOL!! I never did play games.

Current Mood: productive
Monday, July 21st, 2003
2:24 am
I don't post here much. I guess on one hand that is a good thing. Since this is supposed to be a very serious journal. I do have something I want to post here, but I honestly haven't felt like talking about it. I feel kinda weird about it. Maybe I will do it sometime soon. I feel I need to post about it, but I also feel like it's something I shouldn't put out there for others to read. If that makes any sense.

Current Mood: tired
Sunday, June 1st, 2003
12:48 am
Nothing Much!!
Things have been going OK for the most part lately. So I haven't really needed to post in here. So I thought I would say something and post it...LOL!! So here goes....Something..

Current Mood: tired
Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
11:31 pm
Going To Granny's
April 29, 2003 - 12:43 a.m.

I have already posted in my other two journals. Now it's time to post here. I am having a hard time getting myself to go to my granny's this week. Laverne and family moved in there for a couples months because their having a house built. So that means Scum bag is going to be there and I just don't think that is something I need right now. Having to play nice. Over Thanksgiving I think it was I spoke with him in a group setting and I made an effort to move past things. I will never consider him as a friend or anything, but I do need to be able to be in the same building with him without being angry or sad. I need that for me. I need to get on with my life and stop letting the past run it. I am not ready to see him on a weekly bases. I know it will hurt granny if I don't come out there.


Denny went by there today to pick up her tiller and some Avon orders and things for me. Scum bag was talking to him and going on. Denny can't stand him and he had to listen to him ramble on. He doesn't want to start anything either. We just want to move on. I don't like him as a person either. When I was with him he wasn't like he is now. Or at least he didn't show it as much. So I don't even care to have him as a friend or anything regardless of the hell he put me through. I am going to have to talk to my granny about this and see if she can understand it. I just hope she can.


Laverne and I have made some progress where being friends seems to be happening. I am sure she doesn't see me as a friend, but I can't see her as my mother after what she did. I think a friend is better than nothing. I haven't really discussed it with her, but I would like too. She knows I am doing the best I can and she doesn't push anything. She doesn't put me in positions that would make me uncomfy. If I can have some kind of friendship with her and have Taylor close too that's really all I want. I don't give two shits about Scum bag and I hope that no one ever expects me too. I have been trying to take care of myself and not worry about what others think, and not making myself do things I am not ready for. I have done a pretty good job, but not a great one.


Well, this is my main concern at this moment. Besides Denny's hours cut and us living paycheck to paycheck. They cut out all over time so that means 10 to 15 hours a week were missing right now. We can make it on just 40 hours, but it sucks. It's tight and we can't really grocery shop. We won't go hungry because I did stock up on things when we were doing well. If something is on sale I try to buy a good amount. Well, enough about that. I am pretty tired. I can't believe this is my third post for tonight. Although I have to admit. Having 3 separate diaries will get a bit much. So I may have combine a couple of them. Like the two I have at Live Journal. Their both about good things. So I can put them together. That would make it a little easier for me.


I am off.
11:18 pm
Getting Serious
I have decided to turn this journal into a more serious place. Some place for me to talk about all the crap in my life and not have to make them seem peachy when their not. I am leaving some of the older posts here. So if it seems like I went from laid back to craziness that is why. I am not sure who all reads my journl, but I do hope more and more people will. As of now this diary is public, but I will most likely make it private if things get to graphic. I have another journal I did use for this purpose. I may move a few posts over here from there, but mostly I am starting fresh here and just saving my older posts. If it's something I feel needs to be added here than I will. Thanks!!

Current Mood: tired
Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
12:01 am
Meds and Things
Lately I haven't had anything nice to talk about. So this journal has been lacking. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to have two separate journals. One is really sad and depressing and this one like I have said in other posts I would like to make it more upbeat and about my getting on track. Lately my depression and PTSD have taken over my life. I was having a great deal of pain on the left side of my body. I got really worried and ended up going to the doctor. The lady I saw was really nice. She talked about my other problems as well while I was there. She put me on Zoloft for my depression. Which I am thankful for, but I do wish someone would do a test to see if I have a chemical imbalance. Most likely I do since I seem to get worse, but it would be nice to know for sure. She also put me on meds for my IBS as well. So being on those meds are a positive thing. If the Zoloft works it will help me feel better mentally, and if the bentyl works my IBS will get better and a lot of my pain will go away. So hopefully both of those things will happen.

Right now I am having trouble with my sciatic nerve in my back. Which is why the left side of my body is hurting. After 3 weeks that is still causing my trouble. So I go back to the doctor on Monday. Luckily I have a place I can go that will work out payments with me. That's another thing to be thankful for. My therapist is very nice as well. She only charges me $10.00 a visit, but I don't see her enough to help me. I am supposed to see her once a week, but I am a nervous wreck in a car so I cancel a lot, and even ten dollars can be hard at times. Well, this post isn't as upbeat as I would like, but I did mention a few good things. Hopefully I will have good things to say soon. Or this journal is going to be a complete waste.

Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
10:31 pm
I haven't posted here in sometime. I wanted this journal to be upbeat and happy. Since my other is such a downer. I haven't had much to write about of late that is happy or even close to it. So I do hope to change that soon though. I hope to change a lot of things, but I have tried many times to no avail. So I will take it one day at a time and hope for the best. That's about it for this entry.

Current Mood: drained
Friday, October 4th, 2002
3:14 am
Being Healthy
OK! What I want more than anything is to be healthy and to be able to support myself in every way.

Being healthy is very important to me. Both psychically and mentally. I did see a therapist, and I need to start again. Money is an issue there. So I need to focus on that. Start going for as long as it takes. No matter what it takes. I had sexual abuse meetings with a friend of mine. That is also something I would love to start again if someone would want too. It really does help. We talked about everything not just abuse. So it's like seeing another therapist.

Jenna and I are starting a diary and a group so to speak to help each other stay motivated and upbeat so we can go after what we want. I think it's key to really dedicate ourselves to it and make a truly honest effort with it. Stick to it and I think that will be a big help to me as well. We will do it on-line, but hey whatever works. I know this will.

I need to resend a letter to all the people I consider dear friends. I lost everything on my computer along with all the work and support I had gotten and done on getting better. In this letter I will ask for their support in helping me lose weight. Asked them to say something to help motivate me that I can refer back too. Or anything really that they thought would help. Someone I don't know really well, but I do consider her a dear friend wrote me. Were wanting to start our very own weight watchers type thing. Where we will help each other out with dieting and exercise. Plus, have someone to talk to about those things as well. When I lose this weight I will feel so much better about myself and the most important thing is I will be healthier. Along with a diet and starting therapy and hopefully the groups I think what I mentioned above won't be no where near as hard to conquer as I think it is.


I just have to work hard stick with my diet and exercise program. Once I do that many things if not all the things on my list will fall into place. I honestly believe that. I believe that I will someday be happy and healthy. So I just need to work hard at it and stick with the program at hand. I know I can do it. I know I can do it. I am a strong woman and have been through to much and I'm still standing. That should tell me something right there. All I can say now is let's get started and get my lives back.

Current Mood: productive
3:07 am
Getting On Track
There are many things I want to happen. There are also many ways for me to get on track, and get my life back. This should be a good start for me. So here goes:


I want to work again.

I want to be happy and healthy again.

I want to lose weight.

I want to be able to support myself.

I want to get on with my life and stop living in the past.

I want to exercise daily.

I want to read on a regular basis.

I want to start having my friends around more.

I want to be able to think clearly and make good decisions without worrying my emotions made me make the wrong one.

I want to get outside more whether it's to play sports or just relax on my back deck.

I want to get out of the house more. Instead of sitting home all the time being so damn depressed and stressed.

I am sure I will add to the list often. There is no way I can remember everything all at once. For many reasons. One I can't think straight as much as I would like, and another it's late and I am tired. This is important to me and I wanted to get it started.


Now moving on to what I can do to make these things happen:


Start therapy again. Which will help with everything I mentioned above that is emotional. Whether it's stress, depression or even thinking more clearly. Getting in therapy will also help me get the job I need so badly. That is a big thing.

Start believing in myself. Which will help me get out more. Get things done instead of let things pass me by.

Focusing on the positive not the negative.

Stop worrying about things before they happen because they may not, and I worried for nothing. Got upset for nothing.

Stop expecting the worse.

Stop saying why me and if I can. Start saying when I do it. Why me because I am tough and I can take it where someone else may not be as strong.

Be thankful I am alive.

Join a Church/chose a religion.

Rally my friends around me and ask for help instead of expecting people to know what I need.

Be thankful for what I have instead of what I do not.

Start working and then a lot of what I want to happen will fall into place. From supporting myself, and being able to help out.

Start my diet and stick to it and that means the exercise as well. Just find things to motivate me to do it. Whether it's picture's of me when I was thin, or supportive things from friends, or things I have found on my own.

Don't change the way I act to seem different around certain people. Always be myself and if that day I am having a rough time don't hide it and make myself feel even worse later.

I think I have a good start going here. I will post this now and probably add to it often. No need to write a hundred entries when I can update this one with things I want and how I want to get them. When things get rolling I am sure I will post very often.

Current Mood: optimistic
2:56 am
One Light Burning
Here is another song! If it wasn't for Richie Sambora and this wonderful song I probably wouldn't be typing this today. Richie's solo work is truly amazing. I can listen to his songs and feel so much better. He is the greatest song writer in my opinion. It almost feels like some of the songs were written just to help me. He is my hero, and I hope to meet him someday. Enjoy the lyrics.


"One Light Burning"

R.Sambora, Foster, Morolda


All alone in the dark

No walls no windows

Trying hard to define

Heaven from hell

Standing out in the rain

With just one shadow

Nothing to see or believe

Beyond myself

See my life going by

Each moment I am alive

I keep reaching out, holding on, hoping


Somewhere in my life

There's one light burning

I feel it like my heart beating inside

Somewhere in my life

There's one light burning


All alone with my fears

No words are spoken

A story yet to be told

Locked in my mind

Hope is somewhere ahead

Shining brightly

But the past is always following close behind

See my life going by, each moment I am alive

I keep reaching out, holding on, hoping


Somewhere in my life

There's one light burning

I feel it like my heart beating inside

Somewhere in my life

There's one light burning


Somewhere in my life

There's one light burning

I feel it like my heart beating inside

Somewhere in my life

There's one light burning

Leading the way, leading the way


Thank You Richie!!

Current Mood: determined
2:52 am
Brighter Days
I have written a few poems. I wanted to post this one here. I think it turned out well.

Brighter Days

They say to think positive

So I really do try

Just too see it vanish

In the blink of an eye


I could just sit and cry

Some day's I would rather die

Even though dying scares me so

But living in pain is killing my soul


Darkness fall all around me

My heart breaks inside

The future isn't something I can see

When my past continues to hide


I just want to get out of here

I'm so tired of living in fear

The walls are closing in on me

The room is so dark that I can't see


I feel myself slipping away

I don't know if I can be saved

I will continue to take it day by day

In hopes that I will one day say


I am thinking positive like you said

And so very thankful that I'm not dead

Life's to short to live this way

I'm moving towards brighter days


Copyright ©2002 Wendy Sue Ray

Current Mood: scared
1:32 am
A Little About My Past
I thought I would post a little about my past here. I won't go into any major details, but I do have a diary that covers that type of thing. I want this journal to be more uplifting if at all possible. I think it's necessary to at least fill everyone in on what it is I am trying to over come, and move past.

My whole life has been a bit hard to take. I only remember three years out of 30 that were actually somewhat OK. Before I started school I am not sure of the age. I just know I wasn't in school yet. My father started sexually molesting me. That went on for at least 10 years or so. I know till my early to mid teens. One day I finally cracked and told me mother. She wouldn't leave him because she was very scared of him. On top of all that he was a drunk and got out of hand when he was drinking. You walked around on egg shells most of the time. Back to telling my Mom. She told me she would make sure it would never happen again. She was right it didn't, but how was I supposed to know that at the time for sure. When it had been going on for so long as it was.

At the age of 18 I moved into my granny's house with her. My grandpa passed away and I didn't want her to be alone so I moved in. That is when I got some peace about it. I knew he couldn't touch me now for sure. I just wish my peace didn't come with such a huge loss attached to it. At the age of 21 I was introduced to this guy through a friend. He had been in jail, but I am a strong believer in people can change and make a better life. Well, in this case I should have ran and ran fast. I didn't of course. After only two and a half months of being together I caught him in bed with my mother. This is the same mother of course who wouldn't leave a drunken husband who was doing terrible things to her daughter. Well, that was a kick in the teeth and it about killed me. I never knew what it was like to have a real father, and now the mother that I thought was too cool because she did the things I liked to had destroyed me.

A couple years after that happened. My cousin's husband tried to get me into bed. He was like the dad I never had, and now he is trying to get me into bed. I couldn't believe it. I did tell his wife because she was like a Mom to me as well. They worked along time to get through all that.

Then on September 2000. My very best friend and my ex-boyfriend whom I was still in love with and trying to get back with had a two week fling. It brought back all the shit that happened with my mother and then some. My world came crashing down around me. Both of them knew all I had been through, and they promised me they would never ever do that to me. They were both acting funny and ignoring me or just treating me badly at the time. My granny was in the hospital and I was already a mess, and then I find out about those two. It was a horrible time to say the least. Some day's I think I have forgiven them and others I just feel rage.

I have tried to work through holding all of it in. I started forgiving my mother, Boyfriend and best friend. That is really helping me move on. I still have horrible days, and I am a mess 90% of the time. I suffer from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My nerve's suck to the point I can't ride in a car without jumping, and now it's even when I am driving, and that has never happened until now.

Well, that is a short version. I hope it all came out OK. I do hope if anyone reads this and wants to know my story they feel free to ask. I don't mind sharing, and I hope I can help others out there who have been through the samething or maybe even get some help myself. I need it very badly. Thanks for listening.

Take Care.
Wendy

Current Mood: tired
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